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Dad Jokes

!dadjokes@lemmy.world

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Please see the updated sidebar. Do not post external links to websites such as Facebook and Instagram.

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Please post jokes about adult topics to the new Uncle Jokes community

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Update 2025-9-11: If you cannot tell this joke to a 5-year-old and they would understand, you should probably post it to the this community: !unclejokes@lemmy.world. Please message me if you think it could be different.

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My wife has been demanding I stop with the Flamingo impersonations

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So I had to put my foot down ..

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I woke my wife up the other night by shouting in Elvish.

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I was Tolkien in my sleep.

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I was going to slow cook some alligator yesterday....

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But all I had was a croc-pot!

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It's not even cold outside

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I had a joke about Henry Molaison

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But if I’m being honest I forgot …

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My dog swallowed a bunch of scrabble tiles so we're at the vet right now.

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No word yet.

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I accidentally drank a bottle food coloring the other day, the doctor says I'll be okay.

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But I feel like I dyed inside..

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When you really think about it, if you dated someone drop dead gorgeous.

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The relationship wouldn’t last very long …

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I tried to convert my cat to Catholicism. She refused.

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She says it’s too dogmatic.

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I joined a dating site for pyromaniacs.

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It was great: They sent me lots of matches!

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What do they call it if you die and comeback as a cowboy?

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Reintarnation!

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The other day at the beach, I met an angel who was obsessed with fonts.

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She was the Sands Seraph.

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I was trying to walk like an Egyptian and hurt my back....

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Now I have to go see a Cairo-practor

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I accidentally sprayed body spray in my mouth after my shower yesterday....

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Now everyone says I speak with an Axe Scent…

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I just learned the other day that Albert Einstein was a real person!

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All my life I thought he was a theoretical physicist!

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What did the French teacher say to his fat student at breakfast?

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SpoilerOne egg is un œuf!

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I was in a darkroom with a girl once,

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but nothing developed.

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After retirement, a clock maker wrote his memoirs.

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Everyone said it was about time.

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Lead singer of Disturbed called out of work today

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Said he was Down with the Sickness ..

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I'm not saying cosmetic surgery cured my depression......

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But it did put a smile on my face

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A guy stole all the wheels off the police cars in town...

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They’re working tirelessly to catch him.

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You know, I tried sheep farming once, but it didn't work...

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I don’t know if I planted them too deep or too close together…

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His father's secret

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Replaced the wrong image - I had accidentally reposted the last one of this format, so if you saw this joke in the first 30min today, the title probably didn’t make sense.

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A lot of people start their careers waiting tables....

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It’s a good entrèe level job.

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My friend David had his ID stolen....

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Now we call him Dav….😐

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Dadboats rule

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/64461862

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Why don't thieves like fruit pies?

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Because they like raw berries

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Why did the bee need glasses?

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Beecause she had a stingmatism!

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I am proud to say last week I stopped biting my nails for good.

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Now I bite them for evil

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I have a friend who's addicted to drinking brake fluid....

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He says he can stop anytime….

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What is a criminal's favorite berry?

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Robbery.

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How do you get down off an elephant?

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You don’t. You get down off a duck.

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Oh deer

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The urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is always just a whim away. A whim away, A whim away, A whim away...

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Conjunctivitis.com

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That’s a site for sore eyes….

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Is it *technically* possible to end a declarative statement with a contraction?

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It’s

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Why was the golfer medically disqualified from playing ?

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He had one to many strokes

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Did you hear about the world class runner who sprained his ankle?

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He decided to try out for the Limpics.

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"That's a very clever answer, Mister Vulcan. But it's not very logical, is it?" - Neelix

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Template

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What do you call someone who can smell the future?

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Nostrildamus

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I've been trying to warn everyone about the dangers of dehydrated grapes.

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I’m raisin awareness.

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Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

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Up his sleevies.

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If at first you don't connect

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A man getting pregnant is almost inconceivable.

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Present tense

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Present tense: turtle diving out of a tree.

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Why did everyone keep asking the duck to pull up his pants?

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Because his qwack was showing.

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I grilled a chicken for 3 hours yesterday....

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It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road.

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I asked the French Hot Dog Vendor how much it took to make a hotdog in the old days ..

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He said exactly 1 frank

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I went to buy a wig the other day...

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The sales assistant asked how I wanted toupee!

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Some quick math with Scotty

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cross-posted from: https://piefed.world/c/tenforward/p/865666/some-quick-math-with-scotty

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Did you hear about the dictator who walked into a bar?

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He ordered everyone around….

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Two antennae got married

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The wedding was okay, but the reception was excellent

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Did you hear about the Amish couple that got divorced?

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He was driving her buggy.

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What did the lunchbox say to the refrigerator?

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Don’t hate me because I’m a little cooler…

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Did I ever tell you all the story about mushroom hunting? It's pretty long but....

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There’s a morel at the end, and that’s no shitake. 🍄🍄

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What is the hardest tea to swallow?

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Reality.

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Oléo!

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An old farmer was in the hospital for severe dehydration......

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His neighbors sent a card that said “Get well, soon!”

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Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar....

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I’m dismayed….

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When John Williams dies, he should donate his body to science

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… I hear they’ve been looking for a room temperature super conductor for ages.

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I rented a limo a while back for $400, only to find out that didn't include a driver!

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I spent all that money and had nothing to chauffeur it….

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Doc, I think I have a serious issue. A piece of lettuce is sticking out of my butt!'

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Doc: ‘I’m afraid that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

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Did you know you can hear the blood in your veins?

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You have to listen variscosely!

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I adopted a dog from the local blacksmith...

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…when we got home he made a bolt for the door.

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Did you know New York is the opposite of Minnesota?

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New York is where the Big Apple is and Minnesota is where Minneapolis….

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I like this one

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Did you know that the Irish will only put a maximum of 239 beans in soups or stews?

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One more would be too farty.

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Did you know killer whales work together to bring down prey?

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They orca-strate a plan.

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If you ever find yourself being attacked by a Lion, use plenty of deoderant....

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It blocks the paws.

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The Beastie Boys

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:picardclap:
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The Leslie Nielsen Award

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I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink...

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…Now I’m in hospital, waiting to be seen.

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What do cows call their tabloid magazines? Fake moos.

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Selective breeding

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What's a pirate's favourite letter?

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R.

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It happens sometimes.

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Note: this is a true story, it happened a couple hours ago.

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Gentle comedy

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Gentle comedy rule

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I didn't really want a brain transplant....

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…but I changed my mind.

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What do mermaids use to wash their fins?

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Tide!

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What does a biologist say when they bring snacks for their sea cows?

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I have amenities for my manatees!

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What do you call a pig with laryngitis?

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Dis-gruntled!

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Why don't bears wear shoes? Because they would still have bear feet.

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Have you heard about the new Nixon pants?

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They don’t have zippers. They just have watergates.

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mailed it

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cross-posted from: https://feddit.org/post/23929720

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I took a pole recently.

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100% of people were unhappy that their tent fell down.

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It's tough for pilots to tell dad jokes

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They tend to fly over people’s heads.

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What do you call someone who studies meteors?

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A weatherman

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An airline agent would not let the leopard check his dead gazelle as baggage.

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She insisted it was carrion.

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I find that bear steak tastes a lot like steak with nothing on it,

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and moose tastes a lot like chocolate pudding.

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Yesterday I woke up and saw the weirdest thing, a man with as many noses as there are days left in the year

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I always go to a tire shop on New Years Eve.

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That way I know I’ll always start off on a Goodyear!

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Like Mom always used to say

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Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

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What breed of dog is magic?

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Labracadabrador!

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The difference between a statue you make of yourself and one someone sculpts in your honor is, Monumental

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You guys groaned enough at my last pun so have another.

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groan alone

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.ca/post/57150383

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(*cue "The X Files" song playing on a kazoo*)

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Snap, Crackle, and Pop Are Dead.

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Cops suspect a cereal killer.

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How do Santa's reindeer decorate their Christmas Trees?

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With horn-aments!

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I drew Mark Hamill on my wife's forehead while she was asleep.

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You should have seen the Luke on her face.

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