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Dad Jokes

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Please post jokes about adult topics to the new Uncle Jokes community

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Update 2025-9-11: If you cannot tell this joke to a 5-year-old and they would understand, you should probably post it to the this community: !unclejokes@lemmy.world. Please message me if you think it could be different.

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Post text, images, or direct links only

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Please see the updated sidebar. Do not post external links to websites such as Facebook and Instagram.

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What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

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A synonym roll!

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Dad's Vacation

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Dad Joke : Dad says . . . "I told the ocean to wave, and it actually listened!"

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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Uh Oh! . . . It's goin' down, down, down! 🌊

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Dad Joke : Dad asks - "Why did the produce boat sink? - Too many leeks."

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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Someone threw a bottle of Omega-3 pills at me!

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Luckily, my injuries were super-fish-oil!

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Cooked Where? 😄

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Dad Joke : Dad says . . . "Did you know that the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece."

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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I found a really old pack of gum in my pants pocket....

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It’s still in mint condition

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How do train conductors like to serve cheese and crackers?

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“OOON A BOAAAARD!”

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A slightly unusual format because I just can't tell this joke anywhere else.

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There’s a little town just across the James River from me named Surry. Apparently the city council is considering borrowing millions of dollars to build a new YMCA. One of the residents has written a letter to the local newspaper:

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Half brother

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/51754695

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Why did the blind man fall into the hole in the ground?

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He couldn’t see that well

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Dad's Foolish Idea 😁

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Dad Joke : Dad says . . . "I was going to try an all-almond diet, but that's just nuts!"

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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My grandfather used to sleep on piles of old magazines....

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He had back issues……

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I ordered a lockable box and a speaker online...

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screencap of a toot from @LaffGaff@mastodon.world: I ordered a lockable box and a speaker online. They arrived, safe and sound.

Source: https://mastodon.world/@LaffGaff/117241440939305773

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My brother was skydiving for the first time but he forgot to open parachute.

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Needles to say, he was very impressed with how it went down.

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Why was worker in a steel stamping factory in a hurry?

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He had pressing matters to attend to.

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Why did the deer go to the orthodontist?

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Because he has buck teeth…

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Q: What's the biggest catnip delivery company in the United States?

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A: USPSpspsps

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Why didn't the shellfish farmer go for a jog?

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Because he pulled a mussel….

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The Imperial System

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Tiger Woods

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It’s no place for a picnic

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A lot of people cry when they cut an onion.

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The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

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Remember mountains aren't just funny.....

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They’re hill areas..

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the right outlet for this

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Yesterday my friend was telling me that I didn't understand irony at all

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Which is ironic as we were standing at a bus stop

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I bought the world's worst thesaurus

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Not only was it terrible, it was terrible.

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I had to get rid of my Darth Vader toy

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It was a choking hazard

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Dad Knows Everything! 🧐👌

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Dad Joke : Question : "Do you know why are piggy banks so wise?" Answer : "They're filled with common cents."

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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Dad Remembers 😁

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Dad Joke : Dad says . . . "I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went, and then it dawned on me."

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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What kind of tree fits in your hand?

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A palm tree!

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The ISO just offered me a job. I declined though, because I have standards.

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When Does A Joke Become a Dad Joke?

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When it becomes apparent.

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Why don't astronauts like gravity?

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It brings them down!

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Bill broke his ribs at the BBQ restaurant.

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But he was fine, for they had spare ribs.

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Why was Christopher Columbus’s “Earth” beer so unpopular ?

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It was served flat …

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Don't order hay for your horse of Amazon.

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In a couple days they will ask for your feed back.

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Dad feels bad for the grape 😥

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Todays's Dad Joke - Question : What did the grape say when it got stepped on? - Answer : Nothing; it just gave a little wine.

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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Why did the spider go to college?

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He wanted to study “Web Design”.

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Hindsight

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/51348707

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Sorry, I'm going through a lot right now

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People keep asking me why there is a Rolex on my talking fish decoration.

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I tell them he’s a plastic sturgeon , he can afford it.

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I have a bad habit of running red lights.....

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I really need to stop.

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Just Keep Boiling Until It's Gone! 😁

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Dad Joke - Question : How do you make holy water? Answer : You boil the hell out of it!

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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What if Soy Milk is just regular Milk introducing itself in Spanish?

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Why was the King only a foot tall?

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Because he was a ruler!

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Really Self Centered! 😄

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Dad Joke : Dad says . . . "I really hate Russian dolls! They're so full of themselves!"

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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What do you call a cow that's good at math?

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A cowculator!

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What does a cow with no lips say?

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Oooooo!

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I bought an Australian plate, but it just sits there, philosophising

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Plate-o : Plato

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Moist what now?

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I suffer from kleptomania....

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When it gets bad I take something for it….

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Magic trick

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Maybe it's time for a back-alley deal

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I need help to complete a joke for my girlfriend

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We were talking about what to have for dinner and she wanted a wrap. I made a comment about not having any beets. She barely reacted… So I am lighting the dad-signal, give me some good recipes for wraps with beets! 😋

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What's the name of Canada's spy agency?

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The C, I, Eh!

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I’ll Sea myself out

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How can you tell the sex of an ant? Throw it in the water...

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If it floats, it’s boy ant!

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I got fired from my job at the Pepsi factory....

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I tested positive for Coke!

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Lucky Dad! 😎😄

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Dad says . . . "I'm reading a book about teleportation and it's really taking me to places I never expected to go!"

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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When do cowboys become cow men?

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At their barn mitzvah!

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I'd like start a gym and call it "Corpore Sano", which is Latin for "Healthy Body".

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Ideally, inside it would have a men’s sauna.

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Of course! 😁

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Dad Joke : What do clouds wear under their shorts? Thunderwear ☁️

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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I was booking a standard hotel room the other day and the manager kept trying to get me to upgrade to a bigger room with a separate bedroom and living area....

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He was a real suite talker….

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Who was the only artists besides Beethoven who couldn’t hear the music they wrote and played ?

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Deaf Leppard

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Time Is Of The Essence ⌚

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Dad says . . . " I built a belt from watches, it was a waist of time!"

📷 : credit for the photographer is posted on the image

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He’s a pure bread

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Data the Doula

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Crossposted from https://piefed.world/c/tenforward/p/1358097/data-the-doula

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Conversation starter

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he/him
Conversation starter
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I got my paycheck in the mail today, but the envelope was just full of parsley…

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I think my wages were garnished.

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What do you call a bee that can't make up it's mind?

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A maybe! 🐝

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Oh No! Poor Dad! 😯

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Dad says . . . "I got fired from the orange juice factory. I couldn't concentrate!" 🍊😄

📷 : credit for the photographer posted on image

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Collecting dust

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Mario got one look at Toad and thought he would hate him. But after taking time to get know him

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Mario saw Toad was really a fungi

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I've decided to sell my limbo dance equipment for $10....

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It’s the lowest I can go.

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Dad's Knows Best 😎

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Another Great Dad Joke - Question : Why can't you trust stairs? Answer : They are always up to something 😄 + An image of a staircase.

📷 : credit for photographer posted on image

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Title

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'Cause every girl crazy 'bout...

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Negative numbers are terrifying

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Why do people want to get ahead?

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Like, don’t they already have one?

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The best of the best! 👌

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Dad Joke Alert! - Question : Why did the scarecrow win an award? Answer : He was outstanding in his field 😄
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If a 1 L lama is a holy man and a 2 L llama is an animal, what is a 3L lllama?

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It turns out it’s a big fire in Boston…

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If you’re happy

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What is the stealthiest animal?

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The camel.

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Zzzzzz . . . 😁

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Dad Joke Alert! - Question : What do you call a sleeping bull? - Answer : A bull-dozer 😄
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Silly book! 😄

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Our neighbor gifted us a willow tree with the idea that someday it'll be nice to sit under. In return I gave them a maple with the same idea...

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It’s a good idea to exchange pleasant trees….

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I've told many dad jokes.

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I’ve told some good dad jokes, and some fine dad jokes. Even a few great dad jokes, but I have to be honest I’ve never told a really grand dad joke.

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I used to play piano by ear.....

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Now I use my hands.

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For your information

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What kind of mistakes does a ghost make?

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Grave errors! 👻

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Parallel lines have a lot in common....

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It’s a shame they’ll never meet….

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Whats worse than asbestos?

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Asworstos

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I burned 2500 calories yesterday....

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I left the brownies in the oven too long….

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Please Like and Share This Post

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What do horses do when it time to go to bed?

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They hit the hay!

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Me and my friends have a running joke

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But we are always exhausted by the time we finish it.

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A wizard asked me to proofread one of his scrolls last week. Actually....

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It was more of a spell check…

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How do you know you're having dinner with a termite?

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They order the house salad!

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Dictionary

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Did you hear about the cowboy who adopted a dachshund?

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He wanted to get a long little doggie!

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What do you get when you cross a battleship with a dryer?

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Naval lint.

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