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Dad Jokes

!dadjokes@lemmy.world

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Post text, images, or direct links only

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Please see the updated sidebar. Do not post external links to websites such as Facebook and Instagram.

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Please post edgier jokes to the new Uncle Jokes community

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I just updated the sidebar. As a rule of thumb, if you cannot tell this joke to a 5-year-old, you should probably post it to the new community !unclejokes@lemmy.world

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This joke is full of holes

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Why did the man marry the baker?

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Because he was after her dough.

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Just found out that my doctor is a huge transphobe.

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She's really adamant that I avoid trans fats.

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I lost a lot of money on a bet and can't pay up.

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Now I'm scared the bookie-man is going to get me.

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Rolling

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Germany has a crisis and is struggling with supplying meat and cheese to the country

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They are referring to it as the Wurst Käse scenario

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We just adopted our local blacksmith's cat.

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When we got it home it made a bolt for the door.

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What do Finnish people brew coffee with when they're angry?

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PERKELEtor

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History is funny that way

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/26861649

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Wife called about a fox

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I bought a lemon from a rude, arrogant farmer.

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.It left a sour taste in my mouth.

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You know what really frosts my behind?

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Answer o _ /\ A snow cone about this high. / |

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Why did the maggot graduate from maggot school?

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spoilerHe was the instar pupa.

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Went to see the doctor because I’m not sleeping well lately. I just spend most of the night eating.

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He said I’ve got insomnomnomnomnia.

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A Dad text

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Sound Check

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(obviously you'll need to turn sound on - I promise it is not a rickroll)

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What type of content did the farmer make when he joined social media?

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spoilerGrainrot

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Should I have a kid after 35?

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spoiler Eh, probably not. 35 kids is plenty.

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Come on, come on, come on, come on, now stop me, babe.

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You can easily check if a German child has multiplicated correctly with a simple method(but there's a 11% chance of a false positive)

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It's called "casting out neins"

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Linux is not magic.

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It's sudo science.

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After many hours of failed attempts, I finally drove a spike through my window.

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It was a pane staking effort.

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BONG

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cross-posted from: https://slrpnk.net/post/18754816

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Where do bad rainbows go? 😈🌈

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To prism.

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Why do Norway's naval vessels have bar codes on the bottom?

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So when they return to port they can just Scandinavian.

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Which U.S. president applied for the position online?

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Abraham LinkedIn.

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My friend said I had nice knuckles

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I thought, "that's a back-handed compliment"

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0mg

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An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German went to see a show...

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The four of them went to see a man on stage. The problem is, the stage was a bit high, so they might have trouble seeing him. As the man went on stage, he said, "Can you see me?" They all replied:

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Techinally the truth

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cross-posted from: https://sh.itjust.works/post/32766221

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What's the easiest way to burn 1,000 calories?

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Just leave the pizza in the oven.

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I know my jokes are bad. But at the end of the day

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it's night.

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Why are balloons so expensive nowadays?

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Inflation.

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Why are 3D glasses a useful tool for reasoning about complex problems?

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They put things into perspective.

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Too much work

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Street vendor

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A guy walks up to a street vendor and asks, “What’s on the menu?”

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A job well done

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Do you know which band made it to the top?

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The blouse brothers

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Before crowbars were invented, crows simply drank at home.

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Bogged down with idealism

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/24960555

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I work in quality control at a scissors company

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I have to reject any that don’t make the cut.

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I'm finally writing a dad joke about herbs.

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It's about thyme.

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It's too good tuba true

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No lies detected

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What happens when you don't obey they KGB?

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You get Putin jail.

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Opening the microwave to retrieve my sandwich: "Ow! This is hot!"

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If I heated it up any longer, it would be a glasswich.

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Excel-sior!

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/24914135

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I gave my handyman a todo list, but he only did items 1, 3 and 5.

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Turns out he only does odd jobs.

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If your house is cold, just stand in the corner. It’s always 90 degrees there.

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(Fahrenheit. In Celsius this would be deadly)

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It's useful that my dog floats.

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He's a good buoy.

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…then I accidentally ate my cat’s meds

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spoilerdon’t ask meow

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I ate a clock yesterday

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spoilerit was very time consuming

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I was really nervous about my first day working at Olive Garden

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My therapist said I had impasta syndrome.

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No way a horse drew this...

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/post/35513565

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Why is bees' hair sticky?

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Because they use a honey comb.

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It has been forever and I still cannot find a water filter that filters out dihydrogen monoxide--why can't they make one that does this?

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spoilerYou mean an air pump?

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Why did the cheeseburger get in a fight with the veggie burger?

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Because it had beef.

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Dad?

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/24047094

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What do you call a really old snowman?

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Water.

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Which city is the biggest naysayer?

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Constantinople.

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I was going to start the year with a joke about paper..

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.. but nevermind, it's tearable.

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This place is dead

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Haven't seen any posts all year.

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When the clock struck 12 I had to lift my left leg...

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So I could start the year off on the right foot.

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Beauty

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Beauty rule

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What is a gambler's favorite country?

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Tibet.

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I think batteries are gonna be the next big thing

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They're so full of potential

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Axis of Evil

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Facing your fears today

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I love melons so much

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Inside you there are...

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Pavlov and Shrodinger bumped into each other once.

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It was quite the paradox!

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There was a couple at my high school who went by the names Mortise and Tenon

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They were really into each other

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Did you hear about the employee who dove into the seafood vat?

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spoilerShe lobster job

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Flies know best!

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An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a highway patrol officer who says, "You were speeding and I'm going to give you a ticket."

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What do you call someone who hates the taste of suckers?

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A lollygagger.

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My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

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That would be a big step forward

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My wife didn't seem to like it when I whispered sweet nothings to her

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I told her I ate all the candy. Maybe I'm doing it wrong?

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A clown held a door for me today.

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What a kind jester. 🤡

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Any plans for the new year?

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/22869639

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I just got a new pet

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He's a pet peeve

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Why are brass and pewter always on the same side when they go to war?

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Because they are alloys

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I used to rail against tautologies, but finally came to accept them.

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They are, after all, what they are.

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Moo

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Ooops

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I once submitted 10 puns to a joke competition. I really thought with that many, one was sure to be a winner.

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Sadly, no pun in ten did.

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Cyanide and Door Business

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Two women walk into an apartment, one of them says "Thanks for having us over! This is my husband, Steve. He's in the door business." Suddenly a saw pokes through the wall and starts cutting. The woman says "Sorry. He loves to make an entrance.".
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What do you call a broke Santa?

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Saint Nickel-less.

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Why don't skeletons fight each other?

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Because they don’t have the guts!

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What's the least amount of cinnamon you can possibly use?

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The cina-minimum.

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I accidentally mixed up "Jacuzzi" and "Yakuza"

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Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

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The odds of anyone laughing at this are astronomical

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Buying whiskey

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"Willy Wonka went to Walla Walla Washington to watch Wil Wheaton eat Wheaties with Walter White". How many W's are there in all?

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AnswerNone. There are no W's in "all".

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Thanksgiving

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/22560897

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It happened across the road.

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You never hear about taking thanks

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Europe

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Mastodon.

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What do you call a sheep who can sing and dance?

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Lady Ba Ba

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